Life happens

Life happens and sometimes we let ourselves get pulled under. Whether we are pulled under consciously or subconsciously when it hits us that we need to change… well that’s hard. Change is hard. BUT, most often, change is good. Life will constantly throw wrenches, and the key here is to not let them hit you off guard. Be ready but also don’t be afraid to live, speak up, follow your intuition… all that good stuff.

I was off guard. By off guard I mean unable to recognize that what I was doing and getting back into was destructive. IS destructive.  I haven’t shared on this blog yet but I’m ready for change and I want to be able to create a positive impact one day on other’s so I need to learn to be completely honest. I believe that we can only change our behaviors when we fully accept all the good and negative. I need to start looking at myself as the whole entire picture.

It’s been 8 years. 8 years of ups and downs. “Relapses” if you will. I haven’t been training because I refuse to allow my eating disorder to interconnect itself into my passion. I have a weird relationship with the gym, which I will further explain in another post, but I’ll leave it with it both IS and ISN’T affected by my disorder.

SO what made the switch finally hit?

-I’m doing with getting injured. My body has hit the point where after years of restricting it just couldn’t keep up. After multiple stress fractures I’m ready to give my bones the nutrients they need and hope that they are responsive.

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I love coffeeeee but not as a ‘help me stay awake and fill me up’ drink.

-Constant digestive problems. I’ve got a stomach that complains a lot as is and this was only worsened when my disorder began. This is a huge battle for me.

-I think food is delicious and I miss it.

-I feel weak and afraid. It’s been more often than not lately where I’m in bed at night and my hearts just racing. It’s not healthy.

-I miss training.

-I want to not have to fake a smile most days.

-I enjoy a good challenge, and this one is bigger than I’ve ever taken on.

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One too many nights seeing this… 2:55am (I was awake for a solid 3 hour period middle of the night, insomnia is ridiculous)

-I want to learn more about myself and see what life really is.

-To get an education that won’t be morphed by negative obsessive thoughts. Focusing in class is actually helpful…

-I want muscle.

I want my life back. I don’t remember my life before my disorder and that upsets me, I wish I could remember a time when I was free and happy. I don’t. Maybe I will as I begin to sift through things, I’m not sure. I guess this whole process is an unknown. I’ve never recovered and it’s taken a LONG time to admit that. I’ve been aware for years of my disorder but never truly pushed myself entirely to fix it. I can’t fight this fight internally anymore, it’s time for change. Life happened and I’m ready to take control.

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12 thoughts on “Life happens

  1. *hugs*. It is so hard. Training for a half marathon, i’m torn between knowing that I need to fuel my body with food, and the guilt that I feel after I eat it. It’s so hard going to bed and feeling guilty for eating a handful of chips or a cookie… and I have! Not to mention, I noticed the other night when coaching XC, we had a cookout and all the kids ate just what they wanted and had a great time, and I couldn’t help but think how that should be what our sport SHOULD BE, when in reality so many female runners end up with EDs.

    Good luck with getting back in the gym and recovering. You can do it, you’ve already accomplished so much. But I’m glad you’re staying away and keeping yourself from getting injured. You have to put yourself and your recovery first, the gym will always be there.

    • XO. It is hard. Real hard. But, honestly, life’s hard and if it were for these struggles I wouldn’t have as good as an understanding and appreciation as I do. I try to keep that in mind that even though this sucks it WILL get better and WILL make me stronger. It really is shocking how many runners end up with EDs or just female athletes in general. Males too.
      I’m sorry to hear about that guilt trip with the half marathon and fuel. Your so right though, your body needs that fuel to keep performing well and stay healthy! Totally here for you.
      Thank you 🙂

  2. RELAPSE SUCKS. I recently went through a bout of it myself and it’s just plain evil. I admire you so so so much for taking your life by the horns and regaining control. You’re one of the strongest (both mentally and physically) people I’ve ever known and there’s no doubt in my mind you’ll overcome this rough patch. You WILL regain muscle. You WILL get back to training. and you WILL conquer that bitch of and ED. 🙂
    Stay awesome Sarah, you rock!!!

    • IT DOES SUCK. SUCKS BIG. It is evil, great term for it actually. I’m going to use that 🙂 As you know and I can’t say it enough, hearing that means the absolute world to me. I honestly just want to get into a groove on recovery, start kicking ass in the gym, figure out what’s the big problem (cauing relapse), gain my health back AND motivate/inspire others during the process. I truly believe by doing what is best for ourselves we constantly help others throughout the process, mostly without conscious effot.
      Your awesome Alexandra!

  3. I am sorry lovely but something I was always told that I will tell you is that it is what you do AFTER relapse that matters more than the relapse itself. It is all about realizing we are all not perfect, mistakes happen and we can take that step forward and just start again. I know starting again is tough, especially when you know what to do but that disorder is fighting back. Keep that list of what you want to achieve close, an ed will never be part of that. Fight it girl. Please email me if you ever want to chat!

    • I’m still amazed by you and your kindness. The email means a lot to me and I love the support on this process through blogging. Bloggers definitely do come together and it’s such a nice feeling. Starting again is tough, but it must be done. I think we almost get too comfortable being in that “ok” zone, which is dangerous.
      Thank you, Alex 🙂 AND I’ve got your back too!

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