Life happens and sometimes we let ourselves get pulled under. Whether we are pulled under consciously or subconsciously when it hits us that we need to change… well that’s hard. Change is hard. BUT, most often, change is good. Life will constantly throw wrenches, and the key here is to not let them hit you off guard. Be ready but also don’t be afraid to live, speak up, follow your intuition… all that good stuff.
I was off guard. By off guard I mean unable to recognize that what I was doing and getting back into was destructive. IS destructive. I haven’t shared on this blog yet but I’m ready for change and I want to be able to create a positive impact one day on other’s so I need to learn to be completely honest. I believe that we can only change our behaviors when we fully accept all the good and negative. I need to start looking at myself as the whole entire picture.
It’s been 8 years. 8 years of ups and downs. “Relapses” if you will. I haven’t been training because I refuse to allow my eating disorder to interconnect itself into my passion. I have a weird relationship with the gym, which I will further explain in another post, but I’ll leave it with it both IS and ISN’T affected by my disorder.
SO what made the switch finally hit?
-I’m doing with getting injured. My body has hit the point where after years of restricting it just couldn’t keep up. After multiple stress fractures I’m ready to give my bones the nutrients they need and hope that they are responsive.
I love coffeeeee but not as a ‘help me stay awake and fill me up’ drink.
-Constant digestive problems. I’ve got a stomach that complains a lot as is and this was only worsened when my disorder began. This is a huge battle for me.
-I think food is delicious and I miss it.
-I feel weak and afraid. It’s been more often than not lately where I’m in bed at night and my hearts just racing. It’s not healthy.
-I miss training.
-I want to not have to fake a smile most days.
-I enjoy a good challenge, and this one is bigger than I’ve ever taken on.
One too many nights seeing this… 2:55am (I was awake for a solid 3 hour period middle of the night, insomnia is ridiculous)
-I want to learn more about myself and see what life really is.
-To get an education that won’t be morphed by negative obsessive thoughts. Focusing in class is actually helpful…
-I want muscle.
I want my life back. I don’t remember my life before my disorder and that upsets me, I wish I could remember a time when I was free and happy. I don’t. Maybe I will as I begin to sift through things, I’m not sure. I guess this whole process is an unknown. I’ve never recovered and it’s taken a LONG time to admit that. I’ve been aware for years of my disorder but never truly pushed myself entirely to fix it. I can’t fight this fight internally anymore, it’s time for change. Life happened and I’m ready to take control.