No more kidding around

never-stop-fighting-till-the-fight-is-done_design

I just love that quote. It’s so true. What happens if I stop fighting before the fight is done? I either stay partially stuck or go backwards. In all honesty, what about either of those options sounds good? Oh wait, nothing.

I have news. Last Saturday marks the first day of IOP (Intensive outpatient program). That’s right, I entered myself into an IOP for my eating disorder recovery. Why? because I want this. Because I feel myself slipping back to old habits. I’m done.

It is 5x a week; 4 nights and Saturday mornings. I can’t make any real judgments yet considering it’s my first week but so far there are definitely a few pro’s and con’s. At the same time, I know with any program there are con’s… such as life. It’s all mindset, so I’m just thinking positive.

I want my life back, and I’m fighting for my life back. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m going to eat until I feel uncomfortable and keep going (because if I’m working out I really don’t have any other options). I’m focused, determined, and ready to kill it.

Here’s to anyone looking at making a change in their life, big decision, or anything else that raises an uncomfortable feeling such as uncertainty (even though you know it’s the right choice deep down)… go for it.

bilde 2

I want that back. But, this time I want to be healthy while doing it. To be entirely honest I have a very complex disorder (not an excuse, nor an undermining of anyone else’s struggle), just a fact.

I do have goals for my recovery and my life after recovery. Some of which are, learning to accept where I am, allowing good enough to be good enough, losing my obsession with planning, taking a day off without feeling of guilt, the ability to say no – because I’m not superwoman (as much as I’d love to believe that to be true).

I want to explore new hobbies and break off of the very clear and precise path I have set for myself. It doesn’t feel right. Where I have been going with my life doesn’t feel right. I know what I want deep down and I know I am very capable of reaching my goals but I’m terrified of success. I’m also terrified of failure. Either way I lose. There is no winning outcome with a fear of both failure and success. There is a very dark middle ground. A middle ground that has a tendency to keep repeating itself.

I’m excited for the day where I wake up thriving on life, smile on my face, and stoked about where I am and what I’m doing. Who knows it could be next month, or next year. Next month sounds better though to me so let’s get this under-way. Time to crack at recovery. Damn it feels amazing to say that. You know what else feels amazing? Finally making the choice to enter treatment for myself.

♥ S

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7 thoughts on “No more kidding around

  1. I am really proud of you for making this decision. I did day treatment twice – and it didn’t work for me either time. I am telling you this because I want it to work for you. It didn’t work for me because, like you said, I allowed my complex disorder to get out of hand. I formed new behaviors because old ones couldn’t be used. I got more entrenched in accommodating my life for my disorder that I wasn’t willing to fully commit. You can do this, just be weary of the ED trying to find other outlets to express itself. Ok?

    • ♥ It’s all mindset I truly believe this. I know that the complexity of my disorder is going to cause and bring up some major roadblocks but I’m ready (at least I think I am) and I’m going to try and bust em down. I will be very aware and we will keep in touch 🙂 Thank your so much for being so straight up honest and helping me!

  2. Good luck girly :). I went to therapy a few times, and I never regretted going. Of course, it wasn’t really intensive, mostly like going every month or at one point in college every other week. But, it was still helpful. I’m glad you realize when you need help and aren’t fighting it, and hopefully with the help you will be moving an even bigger tire the next time you take a picture like that!

    • Thanks lady love! Yes I still do the “classic” type therapy weekly as well, in addition to my IOP program. It’s a lot and very intensive but no regrets and well worth my time. LOL I love it, the thought of moving a bigger tire! YESSSS! 🙂

  3. Way to go for taking care of yourself and bringing what you need into your life!! That is so smart and amazing. You’re so strong–mentally and physically. I’ve gone to counseling for a few years now (for anxiety after a car crash–ugh) and I have never regretting getting help!

    • Allie thank you for your kind words. I agree with getting help is never something to regret, so many people do need it and it’s such a wonderful resource to have! Definitely very thankful to have a treatment team. I’m glad that you’re in the same boat with no regrets and feeling good about reaching out!

  4. Pingback: A month of catching up | Do Work n' Destroy

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