I just love that quote. It’s so true. What happens if I stop fighting before the fight is done? I either stay partially stuck or go backwards. In all honesty, what about either of those options sounds good? Oh wait, nothing.
I have news. Last Saturday marks the first day of IOP (Intensive outpatient program). That’s right, I entered myself into an IOP for my eating disorder recovery. Why? because I want this. Because I feel myself slipping back to old habits. I’m done.
It is 5x a week; 4 nights and Saturday mornings. I can’t make any real judgments yet considering it’s my first week but so far there are definitely a few pro’s and con’s. At the same time, I know with any program there are con’s… such as life. It’s all mindset, so I’m just thinking positive.
I want my life back, and I’m fighting for my life back. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m going to eat until I feel uncomfortable and keep going (because if I’m working out I really don’t have any other options). I’m focused, determined, and ready to kill it.
Here’s to anyone looking at making a change in their life, big decision, or anything else that raises an uncomfortable feeling such as uncertainty (even though you know it’s the right choice deep down)… go for it.
I want that back. But, this time I want to be healthy while doing it. To be entirely honest I have a very complex disorder (not an excuse, nor an undermining of anyone else’s struggle), just a fact.
I do have goals for my recovery and my life after recovery. Some of which are, learning to accept where I am, allowing good enough to be good enough, losing my obsession with planning, taking a day off without feeling of guilt, the ability to say no – because I’m not superwoman (as much as I’d love to believe that to be true).
I want to explore new hobbies and break off of the very clear and precise path I have set for myself. It doesn’t feel right. Where I have been going with my life doesn’t feel right. I know what I want deep down and I know I am very capable of reaching my goals but I’m terrified of success. I’m also terrified of failure. Either way I lose. There is no winning outcome with a fear of both failure and success. There is a very dark middle ground. A middle ground that has a tendency to keep repeating itself.
I’m excited for the day where I wake up thriving on life, smile on my face, and stoked about where I am and what I’m doing. Who knows it could be next month, or next year. Next month sounds better though to me so let’s get this under-way. Time to crack at recovery. Damn it feels amazing to say that. You know what else feels amazing? Finally making the choice to enter treatment for myself.