Catch up and taking time to just be [mindful]

Hello buttercups!

In my last post I opened up about starting IOP and let in some light on what that’s all about. I’m going to quote myself for a minute here in order to catch up to the present day “I want my life back, and I’m fighting for my life back. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m going to eat until I feel uncomfortable and keep going (because if I’m working out I really don’t have any other options). I’m focused, determined, and ready to kill it.” Note the bolded, working out. This is no longer, it’s temporarily no longer but for now I’m better without this piece of the puzzle.

And a puzzle is exactly what my disorder has been morphed into. Each piece of my life is another piece of the puzzle. But nothing totally fits together quite right, something is always out of balance or disproportionate to the other pieces.

Over the past week I’ve done some at home workouts (prior to putting on my big girl panties and making the increasingly hard decision to take time off). These workouts felt good but they left me feeling like utter crap. I remember this feeling all to well, insert pre Spartan Death Race.

post deathmill

I look exhausted up the exhausted. Smiles for the camera, but nothing else.

I want to smile for something other than a fuc*ing camera. That doesn’t define life, or happiness, or even bliss. I want to be present with myself and just smile with where I’m going in life.

I’m not going to lie I truly enjoy training, and competing. It is my biggest passion. It was my biggest passion years before my disorder so that is how I know it is true to me, and in my blood, not just a means of my disorder taking control of every aspect of my life [although it has done pretty much that]. When I sit back and really take in my life for what it is I don’t see myself living to reach my dreams. I’m not following my beliefs mercilessly. I’m following them, but in a sub-par way because the disorder is still present with me.

I’m taking some of my main life philosophies and putting them to work—

“To believe in something and not to live it, is dishonest.” – Gandhi

“You have exactly one life in which to do everything you’ll ever do, act accordingly.” – Colin Wright

“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.” – Frank Kafka

Or this…

crush it

Sorry I’m not sorry for the language.

For the next week I’m setting the goal for mindfulness and taking time to just be. Meditation has worked wonders before so it is time to give that a go again and I’m sure I’ll be coming across many “AHA” moments with doing so, and I’m so excited for that. Guess y’all know what I’m going to be doing directly after posting this write up.

As far as taking time off, I’m not sure how long. As short as a month, and long as four (or more)? I’m trying to not set a goal or a limit. I have planned races and events for the fall but ultimately I want my health back. Sure, competition is fun and exciting and gets me all stoked on life but come to think of it so does the idea of health. I have to say idea because I don’t remember a time that I’ve truly been healthy and present. Also, just a thought, if I’m healthy and being mindful wouldn’t my performance be that much better than it was… just a thought.

tumblr_lr16y7KReK1qanuf6o1_400

Free your mind from false ideals, from insecurities, from worrying, from negative thoughts and self doubt. Most importantly free your mind from old habits that no longer serve you, help you, or provide any sort of function in your life. Be true.

 

♥S

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9 thoughts on “Catch up and taking time to just be [mindful]

  1. Your mind is in the right place. Your health is first no matter what. Take time to really care for yourself, without the training, without the competitions. Know I am always just a text away, heading to your region the next four days.

    • Thank you, Alex! You’re amazing and I’m so thankful for your friendship. 🙂 I love how you say “take time to really care for yourself”, this strikes me hard because it’s something that seems so simple, yet is so very difficult.

  2. Sarah, I think you’re doing the right thing taking time off of working out. Obviously with IOP, school, and everything else, you’re pretty busy and I think it’s a good decision to not do any structured workouts for a few weeks. It might really motivate you to spend the time and effort in recovery so that you can do the Fall events, too. Or, focus on something noncompetitive like a charity walk or a Color Run or Glow Run that are becoming so popular? I actually think that’s why they’re popular- because it’s for FUN and there is absolutely NO competition, they are not even timed. I actually went to a race a few weeks ago to cheer and it was so much fun. Or maybe even volunteer?

    Good to hear from you and that all is going well. Good luck with IOP and keep us updated!

    • Thanks, Amy! IOP is insane, good, but insane. Just a lot of work on top of school/work and I’m finding that mental work is harder for me that things like homework/my job.

      I know I’ll be volunteering (just made the decision) at the Ultra I ran last year so that’s exciting! Great idea to focus on non-competitive events and I really think this is something I would benefit from when I go back to training/just working out to keep healthy. Step one is reaching healthy.

      ♥ good to hear your feedback!

  3. I agree with Alex, your mind is in the right place. I believe that you’re doing the smart thing and the right thing. You know it’s hard, but you’re not backing down because you ARE chasing your dreams! You’re just doing what you have to to be able to fully compete and train and achieve your goals in life. Sometimes it’s harder to take time off to work on yourself than it is to train hard. This time will make you that much stronger when you get back to everything!

    • Allie this means a lot and I really needed to hear it/keep hearing it. Even though I know my body NEEDS this and is practically crying out loud for me to give it a break I’m still having some major issues with listening to it. It’s all in the learning process I suppose. You are so right though that “You’re just doing what you have to to be able to fully compete and train and achieve your goals in life.” Seriously so true. 🙂

    • They really are! I remember the first time I went to go I was assuming it would be easy and not a good “burn”. So wrong. Between the body and mind it works wonders. Thank you for your feedback girl!

  4. Pingback: March favorites | Do Work n' Destroy

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