In my last post I opened up about starting IOP and let in some light on what that’s all about. I’m going to quote myself for a minute here in order to catch up to the present day “I want my life back, and I’m fighting for my life back. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m going to eat until I feel uncomfortable and keep going (because if I’m working out I really don’t have any other options). I’m focused, determined, and ready to kill it.” Note the bolded, working out. This is no longer, it’s temporarily no longer but for now I’m better without this piece of the puzzle.
And a puzzle is exactly what my disorder has been morphed into. Each piece of my life is another piece of the puzzle. But nothing totally fits together quite right, something is always out of balance or disproportionate to the other pieces.
Over the past week I’ve done some at home workouts (prior to putting on my big girl panties and making the increasingly hard decision to take time off). These workouts felt good but they left me feeling like utter crap. I remember this feeling all to well, insert pre Spartan Death Race.
I look exhausted up the exhausted. Smiles for the camera, but nothing else.
I want to smile for something other than a fuc*ing camera. That doesn’t define life, or happiness, or even bliss. I want to be present with myself and just smile with where I’m going in life.
I’m not going to lie I truly enjoy training, and competing. It is my biggest passion. It was my biggest passion years before my disorder so that is how I know it is true to me, and in my blood, not just a means of my disorder taking control of every aspect of my life [although it has done pretty much that]. When I sit back and really take in my life for what it is I don’t see myself living to reach my dreams. I’m not following my beliefs mercilessly. I’m following them, but in a sub-par way because the disorder is still present with me.
I’m taking some of my main life philosophies and putting them to work—
“To believe in something and not to live it, is dishonest.” – Gandhi
“You have exactly one life in which to do everything you’ll ever do, act accordingly.” – Colin Wright
“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.” – Frank Kafka
Sorry I’m not sorry for the language.
For the next week I’m setting the goal for mindfulness and taking time to just be. Meditation has worked wonders before so it is time to give that a go again and I’m sure I’ll be coming across many “AHA” moments with doing so, and I’m so excited for that. Guess y’all know what I’m going to be doing directly after posting this write up.
As far as taking time off, I’m not sure how long. As short as a month, and long as four (or more)? I’m trying to not set a goal or a limit. I have planned races and events for the fall but ultimately I want my health back. Sure, competition is fun and exciting and gets me all stoked on life but come to think of it so does the idea of health. I have to say idea because I don’t remember a time that I’ve truly been healthy and present. Also, just a thought, if I’m healthy and being mindful wouldn’t my performance be that much better than it was… just a thought.
Free your mind from false ideals, from insecurities, from worrying, from negative thoughts and self doubt. Most importantly free your mind from old habits that no longer serve you, help you, or provide any sort of function in your life. Be true.